What if tomorrow I changed my life? To this question, Anne Bianchi, whom we meet here for you, answered yes. A glimpse into her daily life as a sex therapist and Kundalini teacher. Between desire, love, trust, intimacy, and mindfulness. Inspiration.
Former editor-in-chief of the women's magazine Be (2008-2014), you decided to change your life by returning to psychology studies, teaching Kundalini yoga, and becoming a sex therapist. Can you tell us a little more about yourself, your background, and your aspirations?
I have a background in journalism and worked for 15 years in women's magazines. My last position in this sector, within the Lagardère group, was editor-in-chief of Be magazine, a magazine for women in their thirties. Be was like my third child; I nurtured this project and created a 360° brand that went far beyond a simple magazine. The idea of creating and fostering a community united by shared interests was central to the project. I mention this because it's completely connected to what I do today in another field, yoga, even though people often think my two lives have nothing to do with each other. In reality, I've learned over time that everything is connected, everything happens for a reason, and at the right time for us.
Four years ago to the day, I left my management position and the world of journalism for… NOTHING. I turned down similar positions at other newsrooms and took time to breathe after seven years of an exciting, but very chaotic, life. I was drained. I felt disconnected from my own life, out of sorts. I took the risk of the unknown and made that leap into the void, not without fear and apprehension. I listened to my inner voice and trusted myself. It wasn't easy, either materially or psychologically. Supported by my practice of yoga, meditation, and fasting, I took the time to let the new emerge.
I resumed my studies in Jungian psychology, then I trained at INDIGO, a school of integrative psychotherapy, in sex therapy and Gestalt therapy.
I also trained in Kundalini yoga, a yoga I discovered late in life but which quickly became essential to my life.
I combine this activity with that of a sex therapist; the two feed off and enrich each other. I am also currently writing my first book.
What is your title/how do you define your work/practice?
I am a yoga teacher, sex therapist, and author. Today, I would say that my work consists of supporting people and sharing knowledge. I am a bit like a midwife; I help people give birth. Not to babies, but to themselves, in this second birth—a spiritual one—that we give ourselves, after the first, physical birth that comes through our mother.
Do you see couples in therapy? What are they looking for?
The number one problem couples see in therapy is the absence of desire: how to (re)kindle it within the relationship. They're searching for what they experienced at the beginning of their relationship, something that has somehow vanished. Often, it's been lost in an excess of intimacy, in the daily grind… Desire can't be ordered or commanded. It's wild; it can arrive unexpectedly, and you can summon it with all your might, but it still won't show its face. Its emergence is independent of our will, but we can work on it. There are pitfalls to avoid, things to keep in mind, and of course, physical work is essential to reigniting desire.
Since the start of the academic year in September, I've been running a Kundalini workshop for couples, where I guide my students through tantra, with exercises, postures, breathing techniques, and meditations, both chanted and unchanted, practiced together. It's definitely a path I want to explore more and more.
As I wrote in the preface to Guru Jagat's book, Kundalini Yoga: For an Invincible Life (First Editions), it is time for men and women to invent a new way of living together, on an egalitarian level—which does not mean undifferentiated—and to find other modes of communication besides words, the preserve of our intellectual societies. I absolutely believe in the language of the body, which never lies…
Tantra works with polarities, the great energetic forces that constitute us, our two energies, masculine and feminine, in order to harmonize us and make us whole, complete beings. In a playful and automatic way, it (re)creates intimacy, complicity, a bond between the two partners. It opens a new space; it's wonderful to see couples practicing together! When we embark on this path of the body, we access another level of communication, more subtle, extremely beneficial for couples.
What advice would you give to couples who want to make their sex life more fulfilling?
Don't tell each other everything – which doesn't mean don't communicate, mind you!
We don't give enough consideration to the other languages of intimacy besides words… Men, for example, who often have more difficulty talking about intimacy than women, can use eroticism as a way to express the tenderness they carry within them. We women often crave words; we want to put our feelings into words, often to reassure ourselves, which can make many men uncomfortable… and kill desire.
For many men, sex is the only way to understand intimacy. So, learn to embrace silence. Looking into each other's eyes, breathing consciously together, will open another path in sexuality. It's the sacred path.
I would also say that maintaining a sense of mystery and cultivating your own private world is essential. Desire is born from what we don't know; remember the beginning of your relationship when you didn't know everything about him or her… Often, and this is the boomerang effect for many couples in love, a decline in desire is an unintended consequence of intimacy. When intimacy turns into fusion, there's an excess of closeness that can hinder desire. Absence and separation are excellent ingredients for desire; this is the great paradox of the relationship between sex and intimacy. So, taking some time apart, doing things on your own, seeing the other person in a context other than the everyday one, can act as desire boosters.
Finally, engaging in a pleasant, relaxing activity together, away from household chores, children, etc., is a good idea! A little staging to reconnect with each other in a different context is often the spice that's missing from everyday life.
Should men/women define roles for themselves (attacker/surrender)?
For me, there isn't just one sexuality, but many sexualities where one can choose a role at a given moment, and change it… In a couple, according to a concept I borrow from Guru Jagat, one of my Kundalini teachers, there is generally a Giver, the one who gives, the more expansive, outward-facing of the two, and a Taker, the one who receives. In this model, a balanced exchange of energy is created. However, in the bedroom, the Giver, often more charismatic in public, may enjoy being submissive or dominated, and conversely, the Taker, more reserved socially, may take the lead.
Sexuality is a space where everyone should be able to express themselves without fear or constraints. As in any relationship, it requires trust, respect, and a touch of surprise and playfulness! It's important to try new things, remain open, and listen to your own desires. Too many women cater to their partner's desires, and not necessarily their own! There are still many taboos surrounding female sexuality. But men have their share too: they often feel pressured to perform, which can hinder a joyful and fulfilling sex life.
Ultimately, sexuality is a field of exploration, it's life!
Are sexual energy/libido levels/lowerings defined by gender (male/female)? (I read that women should work on releasing and flowing energy - e.g., free dance - and men on structure, direction, and projection - what do you think?)
No, it's not a gender issue. A lack of libido, a lack of desire, affects men as much as women… It's more inherent to the couple's history, how they function, and the very nature of desire, which is fluctuating and non-linear. A drop in desire is often an unintentional consequence of intimacy. Love needs closeness, desire needs distance, says Esther Perel, sex therapist and extraordinary author, in her book, *L'Intelligence Érotique* (Erotic Intelligence).
It is the mystery of the other, our inability to possess them completely, that sustains desire and excitement. For this, we must accept dismantling our defenses, resisting our urge to control, our need for reassurance. For many, men and women alike, heterosexuals and homosexuals, transgender people, this is a difficult step to take. Perhaps women repress more than men, to avoid hurting others, to protect them, and perhaps it is more difficult for a man to connect with his emotions, his sensitivity, his feminine energy, but I won't generalize. I am surprised every day by the men I meet who venture down the path of physical intimacy. I admire them, and they move me, because I know it is less easy for them than it is for us. Our modern societies, education, and professional environments, often based on a form of male domination, this infamous Law of the Father, do not encourage them to do so. This is a real approach in which we can now find ourselves, women and men, of all sexual orientations, on an equal footing, and finally put an end to "the war of the sexes".
In this rebalancing of the forces at play, which must first involve an inner, individual reconnection, Kundalini, which works continuously on both energies, masculine and feminine, is a magical tool, very complementary to couple therapy.
Will you help heterosexual and homosexual couples in the same way?
There's no difference when we're talking about universal things inherent to our human nature, like sexuality, desire, feelings, and emotions! I help couples based on their specific issues, not their sexual orientation. I see people who are at a point in their lives where they are vulnerable, fragile, questioning, or at the end of a cycle. I try to make them realize that there's always an opening, the possibility of a spark, a new chapter to write. My only limits are fear and disgust; I don't work with someone who evokes either of those emotions in me. Every therapist has their own strengths, their own history, and also their own limitations, hence the importance of self-knowledge and having experienced as much as possible oneself.
It's often said that the closer couples are and the more they do things together, the less fulfilling their sex life is. Do you recommend taking some time apart to get closer?
Yes! That's what I said earlier. It's the great paradox between intimacy and desire. Intimacy needs security, desire needs the unknown. The challenge for couples today is to reconcile the need for reassurance with the need for excitement and mystery, which gives us butterflies.
Desire is our wild side; it feeds on healthy aggression; it is the urge to devour the other, to scratch them, to bite them; there is something primitive that is expressed in a fulfilling sexuality.
If everything is structured, tidy, running smoothly, planned, it's not going to spark anything!
As Anne points out, Kundalini yoga is closely linked to her practice as a sex therapist. To continue reading and delve deeper into these topics, we invite you to discover her interview about Kundalini, its benefits, and its practice.
You can find Anne on her Instagram account: @annenoemiebianchi
Photo credit: Flora Boidot
